The Lost Tooth

Most adults realize a fairy will not leave money under their pillow when a tooth comes out. The folklore no longer alleviates the unpleasantness of a pulled tooth or in modern times an implant that went bad and must be extracted. Now a hole remains. Once out of your mouth that tooth is gone. Think of it as a “small death”, or an easy way to imagine passing away but in bite size pieces. In Greek mythology the god of death is called Thanatos, while his twin brother Hypnos is the god of sleep, which is also known as a "small death". The ancient Talmudic sages would say a prayer every morning to thank God for their returning souls, "Elohai neshamah shenatata bi tehorah. . . " "My God, the soul which you have place with in me is pure. . .". Talmud's Berakhot 60b. Many people still continue this daily practice.

Some "Gods" use death as a form of punishment. Although there are religions that believe in an afterlife beyond the physical body, generally, these metaphorical domains are exclusive to only good people. Death inflicted on another person is a homicide unless it is justifiable, as in the case of self-defense or a declaration of war. Death is ubiquitous when other species are brought into the frame. The founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud had a theory called the “death drive" which concerned our instinctual nature to engage in such things as high risk behavior, watch gory horror movies, or why some of our choices are self-sabotaging. For example, you know it is not healthy to indulge in pastries but then devour a box of Entenmann's chocolate frosted donuts.

I am reminded of the tarot card, "Death" . Traditionally, it is the 13th card in the Suit of Trumps. It signifies change, transition, and transformation. In a tarot reading it can also imply attending a funeral, or a significant other's impending death but most likely not the questioners. This card is more affiliated with the "small death". In the modern version it is depicted by a skeleton or a dark, hooded figure with a sword or sickle in hand. The inference here is to be afraid of the menacing image. Death is scary. Perhaps because it is seemingly inconceivable. I was forced to face it during a violent attack, and wrote about it in "My Random Death", my memoir. However, the Greek God, Thanatos was portrayed as a winged youth, or man, to exemplify the nature of non-violent deaths. He was also a guide for the soul to the afterlife, but not for bad people.

Similar to the tarot card, the lost tooth has a symbolic teaching. Letting go can lead to growth and renewal. Sometimes parts of your psyche, your everyday personality, must drop off or let go of because you’re sick of it, or being it, and now desire to change and, perhaps, grow up. The process might be slow and the end not yet apparent. Similar to the lost tooth, a gap might remain from your diminished ego’s sense of knowing it all. A dentist might fill the space with a bovine graft and you can shore yourself up with spiritual faith or the practicality of trust. Ideally we should imagine a good outcome and not fret or get caught up in the destructive nature of Freud’s death drive. Admittedly, a change might require moving on from a particular person. This can be hard to do but must be done. The tarot card can also reflect a need to alter one’s career course, or make a dramatic move to another city or country. Nothing is going to be easy about any of this. The implications of the Death card can be abrupt. It is situational but always transformational.

In a tarot deck the Suit of Trumps is usually numbered from 0-21. However I prefer their alignment with the Hebrew alphabet, which goes from 1-22. The Death card is associated with the 14th letter, Nun whose symbolic meaning is traditionally a "fish". In Kabbalistic terms it means "rest" or "relinquishing control" as noted by Gilla Nissan in her book, "Meditations with the Hebrew Letters". She explains the letter Nun, "is not about being passive, but rather about allowing space and freedom for the Unknown to empower us. This is the Letter Nun. She asks us not only to be more receptive to what is available from Above, but also to understand how this non-action is essential to our life and well-being".

Certainly, a school of fish moving in synchrony know something about a lose of control, self-annihilation for the betterment, not thinking it all out, and getting into the flow of things when you don’t have all the answers. It’s been 47-years since my encounter with death and I am still trying to understand all its teachings. What I know for certain is you can never stop learning. It seems endless. . .

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Strength

I had a disagreement with God on the most holiest of days. It began with a question, a most familiar one, “Why is this night different from all other nights?”. Traditionally asked on Passover by the youngest child at the seder, but this particular night concernedYom Kippur, which is not a holiday of celebration. Instead of feasting, from sunset to sunset we fast. As a form of suffering, we go without food from sundown to sundown. Instead of rejoicing, we solemnly ask the divine to forgive our transgressions no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.

Frankly,Yom Kipper is like my ordinary days. On a daily basis, I confront my faults, berate, and condemn myself over minor wrongdoings; too harsh a tone or a sharp word when talking to someone, or look away when I walk by a homeless person, although I gave money to the guy I just passed ten minutes ago. These are slight compared to the well known sins of the Ten Commandments. Nevertheless, on Yom Kippur I am required to take a day off from work or doing errands in order to starve myself, pray, and ask God for forgiveness. Perhaps, the Israelites who wondered the Sinai desert all those centuries ago were much more self consumed, had a tendency to worship idols, and needed to set aside a day to confess, fast, pray to God, and self reflect. Other than the fasting for 24-hours and the idols those practices make up my day-to-day, and has for decades.

The need for a separate, monumental high holiday to admit one’s wrongdoings seems unnecessary in these times. I questioned the reason to continue the customary rituals and suggested this holy of holiest days be reformed. Let's be happy. Of course, prior to this “ask” I said the blessing and lit the candle on the Yom Kippur Eve. I recited the Yarhtzeit prayer and lit two 24-hour candles in honor of my parents who passed away decades ago. I watched a video of Johnny Mathis singing the Kol Nidre prayer. I planned to fast until sundown the following day but only lasted until 2pm the next afternoon. Childhood memories of feeling nauseous consumed me until they became real and the memory faded. Then I ate. Before I succumbed to food, I mustard the courage to speak out to God.

In spite of my boldness, God did not "smote me down" right then and there as stated in the Bible. “But if you do not obey the Lord and you flout the Lord’s command, the hand of the Lord will strike you. . .”(1 Samuel 12:15) I am reminded of the tarot card, Strength, as I stood up to God and am still standing. Usually depicted by a nicely dressed woman in a rather quaint garden or county setting, she uses her bare hands to open the jaws of a lion relaxing beside her. This card represents indomitable strength stemming from an inner conviction, and compassion coupled with fortitude which ultimately leads to triumph. A traditional tarot deck is numbered from 0-21. The Strength card is usually numbered 9 or or IX in the Suit of Trumps. However, I prefer the tarot’s association to the Hebrew alphabet which goes from 1-22. Here the 10th letter is Yod, the smallest of letters and symbolic for the hand of God guiding us. "The Yod represents the Creator, the single point from which all of creation emerges, and the Unity within multiplicity. It is the foundation of all foundations, the hidden Divine spark which causes everything to be. It represents the power of the spirit to govern and guide the matter. Yod is a symbol of the Holy One, the Creator, since the holy name starts with Yod. Small in form, the meaning of the Yod is great. According to kabbalistic tradition, all of creation came forth from a single point – a point which represents God’s infinite presence inside of the finite world." - Gabriele Levy lectures around the world about the "secrets of the Hebrew alphabet"

In the midst of deep Kabbalistic studies, I was surprised to find I was not struck down since my question and then eating might be perceived as insolence, although not intended as such. However, instead of death more serendipity, or delightful coincidences, came into my life in the weeks that followed. Here are a few examples of the simple ones. They might be familiar experiences for you too:1) I had lunch with a friend who is a Kundalini and Kabbalistic healer when she mentioned the “King Messiah”. What seemed miraculous is the next morning, "King Messiah" showed up in the next bible portion I was reading, 1 Samuel 2:10; 2) This also happened the following day after I spoke with another person who is knowledgeable in how the body works and the subject of hemorrhoids, of all things, came up. Once again, “hemorrhoids” showed up in the Bible portion I was reading the following morning, 1 Samuel 6: 5; and 3) My final example was when a friend appeared at my door after I thought strongly about him the night before. I hadn’t seen him in over 5-years since he had moved away.

Oh, I've studied Torah, God, and other gods as comparative analysis in some form or fashion since I was a kid. But it never was my plan to become a religious writer. It just turned out that way when I was violently attack, left for dead, and came back to life with six divine directives to fulfill. After I completed my assignments, I wrote about my experiences and published my memoir, My Random Death. Now after I questioned God on Yom Kippur my sense of self lifted. The feeling was similar to when I was "twice-born", as Joan Wulfsohn calls it. She is the author of Stalking Carlos Castaneda, her fascinating memoir about her experiences with the famous American anthropologist and writer. Now, I no longer dwell so strongly on my faults and failures. I notice them but am better at not reliving them over and over again in my head. We over-think things and replay bad scenarios about ourselves way too often in our society. Now I am extremely aware of the importance of a balanced, wholesome mindset, rather then the violence of a self-destructive inner critic. The calm, quaint countryside or garden setting of the Strength tarot card indicates this peaceful, hopeful, and full of faith mindset. It is something I work towards everyday.

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The Watcher Listens.

Let's focus on the Watcher of Life. This aspect of ourselves does not look inward, although that is just as important, but rather observes the goings on around us. Most importantly, it involves the ability to listen. The primary prayer in Judaism, the Shema, addresses one’s faith and love of God and begins with the call for the community of Israel to listen to God. “Shema Israel" or "Hear O Israel.” In his article for Jewish Magazine, author Dan Brooks reminds us of this important detail when he states, “Jewish mysticism, or Kabbalah, teaches us that not only are we shomrei adamah for tikkun olam, partners in the creation, healing, and transforming of the world, but that we continually re-create the world and can continually receive its wonders, wildness, and wisdom each moment. We can read and study the Written Law (Torah) and the Oral Law (Talmud), but we have to receive and listen to the Silent Law (kabbalah). If we are receptive to it, the Silent Torah teaches that a way of wisdom is listening to ourselves as well as others and that wisdom is a way to peace. The opposite of listening, Rabbi Arthur Waskow teaches, is arrogance.”

An arrogant person is one who is consumed with their self-importance and pompous around people they deem inferior and least likely to listen to. A biblical example of haughtiness provides “a pretext for sinners who think the blessed Holy One does not know their thoughts and fantasies. So their stupidity must be exposed.” - Zohar 1:10a. The divine directive to bring to light the irrational conduct and conceit of others, especially our leaders is mandated for all of us. When you recognize the distinction and understand the consequences, it is imperative to expose those decision-makers whose arrogant ways and bad judgments will harm far too many people. The time is Now.

However, we must right ourselves first. An engaged observer is one who listens and learns. Criticism coming from others is helpful if the emphasis is to constructively correct something that’s amiss and not to put someone down in order to feel good. That is a sickness. Listen and watch. Don’t get gaslighted or continually lied to by other people. Believe what's happening before your very eyes, and what you hear, not what powerful people want you to see and understand. Authoritarians get a foothold into your life and dictate your lifestyle when you do not trust yourself.

Of course, it is necessary to change if you’re “dead in the head” from a distorted point of view. Stubbornness is obviously a barrier to growth, while a sudden paradigmatic shift may begin the initial practice of the Spiritual Initiate, or Wisdom Seekers. There are many different paths ways to sagacity and there is always something new to learn, to read, to study along the way. It never seems to end. You want to be a person of action to get to where you need to go, to be a Somebody, but first you might have to be a Nobody to make sure your bearings are just right. To that end, it is imperative to take a few minutes off in your day-to-day doings and focus on what’s around you. Remember, to listen is a verb.

I am reminded of the tarot card, The Hanged Man, which is not about a crucifixion or a suicide. It is usually depicted by a fully dressed man hung from a tree upside-down by one leg. The other is crossed over it to make the shape of the number 4, which is symbolic for logic and the rational mind. Despite a particularly torturous position, the man appears relaxed. Certainly, he represents a master of self-deception, or, at best a spiritual initiate about to transform. Traditionally numbered 12 in the Suit of Trump, this card explicitly addresses the need to get a new perspective on life by breaking old patterns. Frankly, it demands a deeper, more meaningful way to look at and be in the world. The man’s head is pointed towards the earth, and Hell if you go further down. When this card is pulled in a reading its symbolism suggests a clueless, materialistic person or, at worse, a smart person who obtains things through thievery and fraud. This card demands the individual move away from the superficial, self indulgent or even criminal conduct, and set themselves right-side up. Now called to a higher purpose it is necessary they become more socially and spiritually productive, symbolized by the upright position where the crown of the head is directed towards the sky and heaven, the precise position for homo erectus and those physically capable.

In a traditional deck the Trumps are numbered 0-21, however I prefer the tarot’s association to the Hebrew alphabet that goes from 1-22. The 13th letter is Mem, which symbolizes water and the subconscious mind. The primordial state of Creation was “water intermingled with water”. See Tanhuma, Vayaqhel 6, an ancient midrash or commentary on the Torah. On the second day of creation these waters where separated and a distinction was created between the upper and lower. A distinction can give us perspective but it can also bring about divergences. Due to the potential for harmful conflict, and even evil when differences are taken to the extreme, on this 2nd day of creation the Torah does not say it was good. However, the phrase was stated twice on the third day when the dry land appeared to mediate the potential for dangerous disputes.

As you listen and watch the brilliance and also the stupidity of humanity it’s easy to get personal directions all mixed up. I've been there; situationally upside down, and feeling low, indeed. When one's self confidence is gone, it is hard to think rationally since anxiety is such a distortion-maker. The quest is for new patterns of behavior, and a new paradigm. Each person takes a different road on the journey of self discovery. Some people use affirmation, some get a hobby, some know how to put themselves in the way of luck or make their own, others pray and a few go shopping or change their hair color to hopefully transform their lives. How we see and hear the world translates into how we treat others, ourselves, and the earth. It may be a personal struggle as the road is not always paved and can get bumpy.

As Rudyard Kipling said, “Nothing is ever settled until it is settled right.”

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