Strength

I had a disagreement with God on the most holiest of days. It began with a question, a most familiar one, “Why is this night different from all other nights?”. Traditionally asked on Passover by the youngest child at the seder, but this particular night concernedYom Kippur, which is not a holiday of celebration. Instead of feasting, from sunset to sunset we fast. As a form of suffering, we go without food from sundown to sundown. Instead of rejoicing, we solemnly ask the divine to forgive our transgressions no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.

Frankly,Yom Kipper is like my ordinary days. On a daily basis, I confront my faults, berate, and condemn myself over minor wrongdoings; too harsh a tone or a sharp word when talking to someone, or look away when I walk by a homeless person, although I gave money to the guy I just passed ten minutes ago. These are slight compared to the well known sins of the Ten Commandments. Nevertheless, on Yom Kippur I am required to take a day off from work or doing errands in order to starve myself, pray, and ask God for forgiveness. Perhaps, the Israelites who wondered the Sinai desert all those centuries ago were much more self consumed, had a tendency to worship idols, and needed to set aside a day to confess, fast, pray to God, and self reflect. Other than the fasting for 24-hours and the idols those practices make up my day-to-day, and has for decades.

The need for a separate, monumental high holiday to admit one’s wrongdoings seems unnecessary in these times. I questioned the reason to continue the customary rituals and suggested this holy of holiest days be reformed. Let's be happy. Of course, prior to this “ask” I said the blessing and lit the candle on the Yom Kippur Eve. I recited the Yarhtzeit prayer and lit two 24-hour candles in honor of my parents who passed away decades ago. I watched a video of Johnny Mathis singing the Kol Nidre prayer. I planned to fast until sundown the following day but only lasted until 2pm the next afternoon. Childhood memories of feeling nauseous consumed me until they became real and the memory faded. Then I ate. Before I succumbed to food, I mustard the courage to speak out to God.

In spite of my boldness, God did not "smote me down" right then and there as stated in the Bible. “But if you do not obey the Lord and you flout the Lord’s command, the hand of the Lord will strike you. . .”(1 Samuel 12:15) I am reminded of the tarot card, Strength, as I stood up to God and am still standing. Usually depicted by a nicely dressed woman in a rather quaint garden or county setting, she uses her bare hands to open the jaws of a lion relaxing beside her. This card represents indomitable strength stemming from an inner conviction, and compassion coupled with fortitude which ultimately leads to triumph. A traditional tarot deck is numbered from 0-21. The Strength card is usually numbered 9 or or IX in the Suit of Trumps. However, I prefer the tarot’s association to the Hebrew alphabet which goes from 1-22. Here the 10th letter is Yod, the smallest of letters and symbolic for the hand of God guiding us. "The Yod represents the Creator, the single point from which all of creation emerges, and the Unity within multiplicity. It is the foundation of all foundations, the hidden Divine spark which causes everything to be. It represents the power of the spirit to govern and guide the matter. Yod is a symbol of the Holy One, the Creator, since the holy name starts with Yod. Small in form, the meaning of the Yod is great. According to kabbalistic tradition, all of creation came forth from a single point – a point which represents God’s infinite presence inside of the finite world." - Gabriele Levy lectures around the world about the "secrets of the Hebrew alphabet"

In the midst of deep Kabbalistic studies, I was surprised to find I was not struck down since my question and then eating might be perceived as insolence, although not intended as such. However, instead of death more serendipity, or delightful coincidences, came into my life in the weeks that followed. Here are a few examples of the simple ones. They might be familiar experiences for you too:1) I had lunch with a friend who is a Kundalini and Kabbalistic healer when she mentioned the “King Messiah”. What seemed miraculous is the next morning, "King Messiah" showed up in the next bible portion I was reading, 1 Samuel 2:10; 2) This also happened the following day after I spoke with another person who is knowledgeable in how the body works and the subject of hemorrhoids, of all things, came up. Once again, “hemorrhoids” showed up in the Bible portion I was reading the following morning, 1 Samuel 6: 5; and 3) My final example was when a friend appeared at my door after I thought strongly about him the night before. I hadn’t seen him in over 5-years since he had moved away.

Oh, I've studied Torah, God, and other gods as comparative analysis in some form or fashion since I was a kid. But it never was my plan to become a religious writer. It just turned out that way when I was violently attack, left for dead, and came back to life with six divine directives to fulfill. After I completed my assignments, I wrote about my experiences and published my memoir, My Random Death. Now after I questioned God on Yom Kippur my sense of self lifted. The feeling was similar to when I was "twice-born", as Joan Wulfsohn calls it. She is the author of Stalking Carlos Castaneda, her fascinating memoir about her experiences with the famous American anthropologist and writer. Now, I no longer dwell so strongly on my faults and failures. I notice them but am better at not reliving them over and over again in my head. We over-think things and replay bad scenarios about ourselves way too often in our society. Now I am extremely aware of the importance of a balanced, wholesome mindset, rather then the violence of a self-destructive inner critic. The calm, quaint countryside or garden setting of the Strength tarot card indicates this peaceful, hopeful, and full of faith mindset. It is something I work towards everyday.

Street Tarot