Zombie World

Listless, I could not write or read anything of substance except to do google searches about feeling flu-ish with a stuffed up nose, dry cough, an even drier throat, and loss of appetite. These symptoms put a stop to me smoking weed. Initially, I didn't want any, but a few days without marijuana or cannabis, I was living in a zombie world. My inner dialogue, which is helpful or prosecutorial at times, and that small voice of intuition and sagely wisdom were silenced. It’s as if the authentic part of me had annihilated itself. Creatively emptied and spiritually closed off a void had replaced my imaginative sources. In this state of non-being you'd think Donald Trump would be tolerable, but I stopped following the news about him, his crowd, their corruption and power grabs. I didn't want to talk to anyone, either. People began to get on my nerves, especially the narcissistic type. They act as if they're doing you a favor when the spotlight briefly drifts towards you. My solitude was a comfort. However, Valentine’s Day seemed an abomination. You cannot escape it. Symbols of our collective myth of romantic love are everywhere. Ugh! Nevertheless, love and to be loved have an extremely strong tug on your soul these days. Consequently, I knew the challenge was to find my way back from zombie into a more balanced life

A form of psychological equilibrium is when your inner universe pours into the everyday, work world, and vice versa. It is where the mundane meets the realm of personal archetypes in order for the miraculous to occur in daily life. Instead of being annoyed by people accompanied by self loathing, you now can love others and yourself in a wholesome, fruitful way. Presumably, this is the opposite of the dull life of the walking dead. I was finding out more and more about this in real time. I already knew something about the return from death. For most of my life I avoided zombie movies but did watch “The Night of the Living Dead” when it was first released. As a university student, I studied magic and the dark arts from an anthropological perspective. A few years later, I was left for dead when a perfect stranger violently attacked me. “My Random Death - A Memoir” is my story of being "twice-born" which is a different result than becoming a zombie. The book is available on-line through Amazon or Barnes & Nobles. Go to the Home page of this website for the links

Speaking for myself, marijuana is a vehicle to my creative sensibilities and it’s absence left me a zombie, and a "couch-potato". Go figure! Most people become a slouch after smoking lots of heavy pot. My only desire was to watch football games, film noir, martial arts or mysteries movies, and crime dramas. The good news is my night dreams became more vivid than vague. Some were melodramatic romances with attractive, somewhat familiar men, and the thriller-kind where I am lost in an unknown city and lose my wallet or cell phone, or people chase me through a strange building. However one dream did stand out. Whereas the others occurred as night scenes and indoors, in this particular dream it was dusk, the time between light and darkness and my favorite. Also, it took place outside in beautifully colored, yet melancholy landscapes as I traveled around a strange country in a car with a fat man and a former law student of mine.

Anyway, the relatively empty state of my inner being remained the same for about a month. Without too many distractions the isolation enabled me to listen to my body and heal. At the onset of the illness, breathing was extremely difficult. A humidifier was ordered and delivered at 8:30 the next morning and my stuffed up nose, the cough, and dry throat were gone, eventually. I figured "weed" will not harm me. In my head, I listed the reasons to light-up again; in California it is legal, during the Covid shut downs pot stores were declared essential and they remained open for deliveries and curb side services, and so on. This quiet pep talk assured me my inner dialogue was on the mend too. It made me happy and certainly ready for a puff.

Almost immediately after taking a toke my intuition kicked in and informed me there was a critical error in my previous Street Tarot blog, The Night Teacher. The final drafted was done well before my illness started and was posted on this website around three weeks ago. Sure enough, something needed to be fixed and I edited and republished the piece. In addition, the creative juices of mine started to trickle through and this zombie blog came into being. My inner world was coming more alive.

For sure, my attitude towards smoking marijuana has changed, somewhat, with the realization “pot” is a tool to bring my inner and outer states into balance. Before this epiphany weed was a constant companion. I over used it. Marijuana has a few down sides. For those people who are allergic to it one puff can be dangerous and even fatal. Some people get paranoid since smoking releases negative thoughts and memories, which can overload the emotions, drain you of self-confidence, and put you in a spin-cycle of rehashing bad decisions, sad experiences, and scary outcomes over and over again. We also have to discuss the "munchies”. Weed can fire up the taste buds. Unfortunately, it becomes a bottomless pit to feed the appetite. On the other hand, in zombie world you don't eat much and don’t desire sweet things, including desserts, which was one positive feature.

I am reminded of the tarot card, Temperance. It represents moderation, equilibrium, and when "death is no longer feared, body and soul can integrate with one another, creating balance and a centered self in the midst of moving energies" - from the Motherpeace Tarot Deck. Usually, it shows an angelic being pouring water from one jug into another. Alister Crowley’s Thoth Tarot deck addresses the deeper meaning of this card. He labeled it "Art", and in collaboration with the artist, Lady Frieda Harris, it highlights the creative process where something new emerges from a mixture of opposites demonstrated in the colorings and symbols. The image on their card is of a medieval alchemist dressed in green. There are two different sides to her face as she pours the elements of fire in one hand and water from the other into a large caldron. Whether the name is Art or Temperance this card represents the courage to be measured but also to try new ways of integration. Balance can occur when you couple pain and sorrow with artistic expression. For example; sadness if aligned with music can produce a tune in the "Blues"genre, or a country ballad, and so on.

A traditional deck is numbered from 0-21. The Temperance card is the 14th or XIV in the Suit of Trumps. However, I prefer the tarot’s association with the Hebrew alphabet which goes from 1-22. The 15th letter is Samech. She symbolically means psychological support, such as to help someone who falls into depression, which includes yourself. This letter can also refer to a physical prop such as a ladder. Access to your inner world can bolster you in the outer, everyday work world and provide guidance for transformative decision making or to develop creative ideas into successful enterprises. The way you access this internal universe is personal, subjective, and ultimately your choice, however, achieving harmony is a key.

Street Tarot

Night Teacher

The sight of her captivates me. Her brightness puts me in a state of awe. We know her because of the presence of a greater light who illuminates her from time to time, and more or less. Of course, there is a dark side to the moon. There is a dark side to most of us, too. It can show up when we bully people and use hurtful words to manipulate them. The moon teaches us to be ruthlessly honest about this aspect of ourselves. She reminds us to recognize the distinction in the moment, a most important time to know if you are on the side of light or the side of darkness. It is also imperative to recognize when you can walk the middle way between the two, avoid being conflicted, and move forward in your life.

The moon cannot emit light. Her dynamic ability is to mimic the Sun. She achieves this by way of reflection off her rocky surface. In this sense, "light" acts like a verb or as a symbol for consciousness and awareness. Similarly, we cannot see the back of our heads, our dark spot, without the reflection from mirrors. The people we surround ourselves with can be mirrors too, Metaphorically, they represent our dark and light sides. As we grow within ourselves we may grow out of these folks and like an old shirt or dress, it’s time get new clothes and new friends.

At times the moon seems to slowly disappear, swallowed up by the dark. However, it is only for awhile. The apparent vacillation from there to not there is a teaching too. The moon shows us that darkness is not the absence of light but a thing of its own. Unique to the moon is that she keeps a totally dark side of herself hidden from our view here on planet earth. People cannot physically or psychologically hide in the same way. The darkness in us shows up in our body language and can seep out in different forms, such as the tone of our voice, the cutting words we use, or by malicious acts and bodily harm we do to others.

Many cultures view the moon as feminine and identified her with the non-logical mind. ie luna or moon in latin is related to the English word 'lunatic", a pejorative or slag term for an insane or mentally ill person. In this sense the moon is the antithesis of rational thinking and reasonable behavior, which is often recognized as masculine attributes. At worst, the moon-mind is inclined to delusional thinking. Ie howling at the moon by an unraveled person, or psycho-bitches-from-hell who might have a dark, kinky side some men find attractive. Frankly, I think they give most other women a bad name.

If I just sounded judgmental keep in mind Kabbalist find the feminine side of God responsible for rendering judgements and meting out punishments to those who violate the spiritual laws of the Ten Commandments, plus another 603 of them. Does the notion of delusion attach only to women? The answer is no. I can emphatically state that criminals may logically plot out their crime ahead of time, however, it is always accompanied by the irrational belief they are above the law and will never get caught. This applies to men and women. Particularly delusional are your modern day bank robbers. I’ve handled a number of armed bank robbers on appeal. Their district court record will often show FBI photos of them surrounded by the banks’ moneybags covered in hard to remove colored stains, usually red. These ink packets exploded when the bags were opened, which covered the bank robbers and the money rendering the currency useless. The photos can be direct evidence of a federal crime, and of stupidity running deep amongst thieves.

Let’s look a bit deeper into this notion of the feminine as representative of justice. We see it symbolically in the blind woman holding the scales of justice. They represent mercy in punishment and fairness in the law applied to all of us. A man could have been the standard bearer for these principles, such as the biblical King Solomon who is known for his wisdom. The Statute of Liberty is a woman who represents a beacon of hope against injustice.

I am no psychiatrist. However, I was a federal criminal appeals attorney for almost 14-years and seriously trained in martial arts for almost a decade. From these experiences, I do know something about the art of self-deception. This is when people delude themselves into believing fabricated facts and outcomes wished for but never achieved. One thing in common about a martial artist and criminal appeals is that you cannot lie or fake it when doing either of them. However, in many other aspects of life to lie and deceive yourself and others is standard operating procedure for some folks.

I’m reminded of the tarot card, The Moon. As a tarot reader for many decades, I understand it teaches us to avoid overconfidence on the one side and self-deceptive thinking on the other. Generally, its depicted with two pillars and the moon in the background. Most importantly, we learn to walk the middle way between the two. In a traditional tarot deck numbered 0-21, the Moon is the 18th card in the Suit of Trumps. However, I prefer the cards’ association to the Hebrew alphabet, which goes from 1-22. Interestingly, the 19th letter is Qof and its symbolic meaning is the back of the head!

With all this talk of females, you might be wondering about the “Man in the Moon”. We are suppose to see his face in the night sky. With some degree of certainty, I can say he is just a figment of our collective imagination at play with shadows. Perhaps, it is deliberate delusional thinking or sexual innuendo, as t’were. Whatever the reason, few can escape the tendency to look up and search for him when the moon is in her fullness. I’m guilty of doing it. Are you?

Street Tarot

The Masculinity Card

America is in a lukewarm civil war over freedom rights with respect to abortion and sexual identity. On these two fronts Trump trumped the Democrats when he played the masculinity card to prevail in his presidential bid. A majority of his supporters believe “the gays” infringe on their sense of self and the pro-life tenet of their religious beliefs are violated by abortions. Albeit, their concern about life is mainly for the fetus and not so much for the mother. The Bible does state same sex marriage is an abomination (Leviticus 18:22) but interpretations of the Hebrew verse can vary. In the Republican world view the taboo is explicit and extends to one’s sexual identity dictated at conception when life begins. This ties up to their definitions of “innocence” and “purity” and hence abortion is a crime, or should be, and it is forbidden to change one’s gender after birth. However, in the biblical census system detailed in Numbers a newborn was not included in the count unless it lived for at least a month. There is still no formal requirement to hold a shiva, the Jewish 7-day funeral service, if a baby dies within the first month after birth since it is not considered a loss of life to the community.

In deed, some prohibitions in the Bible are not etched in stone and evolve to meet the times. As t'were, there seems to be a penchant to pick and choose which of God’s rules and laws to observe or forget about. For example: in the Ten Commandments adultery is considered a sin but the religiously inclined GOP voters find it irrelevant enough to make a notorious serial adulterer President; masturbation is no longer taboo and pornography is big business because it helps stimulate “spilling seed”, which was declared unholy (Genesis 38:8-10) and nourishment for the demonic. (The Zohar, Pritzker ed. p. 322, fn.1581); and finally, animal sacrifices are universally outlawed in most civilized countries and replaced with prayer. For a sample of the sacrificial legislation found in Leviticus go to the Side Street page on this website.

Importantly, negative sensibilities about the LGTBQ+ community puts a hyper emphasis on the notion of masculinity. This suits the purposes of religious Dominionists. They are a predominantly American group of Christians who believe man, and precisely the male born gender, are ordained to have dominion over nature. They extend this inherent status to control over society’s morals, the ways of governances, and women's bodies. These endeavors all trickle down to who holds the reins of power and has the economic advantage. It is a version of religious politics from the pulpit, and brute force or prison are promised against perceived enemies.

Trump won favor with the anti-LGBQ+ crowd. He played the masculinity card to focus their sentiments and promoted crude, uninhibited male energy in his presidential campaign. Might is right and the left is weak was the intent of his TV ad which featured prison scenes of male inmates while a voice-over claimed Democrat nominee, VP Harris’ championed their sex change operations paid for by the taxpayer. It ran constantly in the Santa Barbara, California area and Harris never answered it. Why not? She missed the opportunity and failed to recognize many voters were waiting for definitive answers on masculinity and gender identity. Earlier this month, the US Supreme Court heard oral arguments in US v. Skrmetti, a case challenging Tennessee's ban on transgender affirming care for minors. A New York Times article notes, "Of 28 states where Republicans control the legislature, 24 now restrict doctors from providing puberty blockers, hormone therapies or surgery to transgender minors. Two more states ban only surgeries."

I am no expert but venture to say, the will to dominate and the misogynist overtones about abortion might hide a male insecurity of a physical nature. Along these lines, a recent spam email caught my attention. It stated, “While half of all men over 40 are suffering severe cases of failure to stiffen up in bed…75 year old Tom can stay rock hard as long as he wants. And he has no trouble pleasing his wife night after night (and even in the mornings). But it’s NOT because Tom is taking some dangerous and artificial chemical pill… it’s because this 75 year old drinks a simple, delicious “tonic” every day that destroys the root cause of soft bedroom performances in men -- allowing him to stiffen up on demand. And today, he’s revealing the recipe to this potent “hardwood tonic”. . . .”

The email pegged 40-years as the onset of the decline. In my humble opinion, the anxiety over penis performance probably begins much earlier and is not new to our times. It is no surprise men would be drawn to the high testosterone Trump rallies. Men and women admire the strong-man attitude and his virility demonstrated by his teenage son and his beautiful, soft-porn wife. Plus the scandals around multiple sex-capades and indictments helped his tough, manliness image. Probably, confident people don’t even get the appeal of this 78-year old, and may have voted for him because of the presumed tax cuts. Nevertheless, masculine insecurity and confusion is likely rampant amongst the non-college degree, unemployed white males and perhaps in the marginalized minority communities where Republicans gained support.

I am reminded of the tarot card, The Chariot. In a traditional deck the first impression of the man standing erect in an ancient vehicle of war is the muscular Charlton Heston as Ben Hur steering four galloping horses. However some modern cards depict a well built or even a lithe looking charioteer seated cross-legged in meditation. This more advanced image leads beyond the familiar notions of hard-core masculinity to the card’s deeper symbolism of mental acuity, willpower, focus on desired outcomes, moving forward. Historically the male is associated with the "logical" mind and men drove chariots, which makes this a manly, man card. However, it also teaches not to depend on brute force. The quiet focus of a gentle determined mind, male or female, plus willpower can get you through most adversities. Ultimately, this is the type of person who can lead folks into battle and win the war, metaphorically speaking.

In a traditional deck, which is numbered from 0-21, the Chariot is the 7th or VII card in the Suit of Trumps. However, I prefer the tarot's association to the Hebrew letters, which goes from 1-22. The eighth Hebrew letter is Chet. Her shape resembles an enclosed space. Symbolically, she is the letter of life, or chaim and can also mean private, to separate, to protect, place of protection, to be cut off, grace, favor, a place of refuge, a protected garden, quiet place, to be silent and still in security, a fence, a sanctuary, or an inner room". This Hebrew letter encompasses both the conventional notions of male warrior as protector, as well as the modern sense of The Chariot when solitude can strategically enhance your ability to succeed. It can help bring your ideas into manifestation. Meditation is an epistemological realm, or one of the ways we can gain the knowledge to develop and move our lives forward.

There is a real issue related to masculine identity in our society. It must be addressed. I was born a female, identify as female, and prefer to date males. However, I am perfectly fine with any combination of the above genders or preferences someone chooses for themselves. Nevertheless, as a woman I am looking at the current situation from the outside in, and perhaps even upside down since I would never vote for Trump to lead this country. Nevertheless, based upon my observations machismo is a hot topic in some Christian and GOP circles these days. In a interview with NPR, an evangelical leader, Russel Moore stated multiple pastors raised an alarm when they told him some of their church members were upset while reading from ‘The Sermon on the Mount’. It is where Jesus “espoused the principles of forgiveness and mercy that are central to Christian doctrine”. The congregants thought Jesus was spouting “liberal talking points”, and “that doesn’t work anymore. That’s weak”. (NPR, August 4, 2023)

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